“I think I miscarried our baby,” my wife said.
“Are you sure?” I questioned.
“I think so….”
I was sitting in my work truck in the parking lot of Wal-Mart just about to make some deliveries. I didn’t cry right away. I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t know how I was supposed to process the loss of my first baby girl, the one we’d named Elealeh Grace. The rest of the day at work I just kept praying, “LORD, please be gracious to us. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy. Please don’t take my baby girl.”
Jesus said, “which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” -Matthew 7:9b-11
Elealeh Grace died.
When I got home from work my wife and I sat on our cranberry red couch in our living room and cried. “I just wanted to meet her and hold her so bad!” I cried. “I wanted to see Shuah be a good big brother and teach him to lead by love and humility.”
Two nights before Elealeh Grace died (at this point we had suspicions of a potential miscarriage) my wife and I laid in bed and prayed. After praying, I looked over at my wife and said, “Isn’t it crazy that God knew our baby in eternity past, numbered her days, and loves her more than we do? She won’t live any shorter or longer than He sees is good.”
“Yeah, it is really comforting,” she replied, smiling softly.
It’s been 4 months since the miscarriage. I don’t think I will ever be the same. There are still moments (like while I am writing this) when I am reminded of the loss. And it hurts so badly.
But without sounding flippant about our loss, I never doubted God’s love or care for us. The strange thing is, I kept being overwhelmed throughout the whole season with how incredibly blessed I was to be entrusted with such a trial (please note this is extremely abnormal for me. I can have an ungrateful heart for simply being stuck behind someone driving slowly in front of me). God was very present in the suffering. The Holy Spirit continually brought Scripture to mind to comfort.
What did the Gospel have to say about this circumstance?
First, God can relate. He also lost His Son on the cross. Second, even if I never had the joy of having any children I have received far more than I deserve. For I was a rebel and wicked servant only worthy of God’s wrath. Third, God not only could relate to me but He willingly sacrificed His Son so that I could be delivered from my penalty and be in a right relationship with Him. Fourth, if I surrender all I have and trust in His sacrifice, I become a co-heir with His Son.
I know most (if not all) of us understand these statements. But it is another thing to believe them. God was so good to me and gracious to give me the faith to trust in Him and His promises in the storm.
Our battle as Christians is not to grit our teeth and just work through it. Nor is it to simply “let go, and let God.” Our hope is God. To where else will we go?
Let us humble ourselves in the sight of the LORD, and leave all our burdens with Him. Let us plead with the LORD that He will fill us with a knowledge and love for the Savior. Let us confess to the LORD that we don’t trust Him as we ought. Let us confess that His promises don’t stir our hearts as the common things of this world do. And let us fix our gaze on the cross until He acts!
Jesus promises that our Heavenly Father will give us good gifts if we simply ask Him. I believe that passage even though Elealeh Grace died. I asked Him for a fish and He didn’t give me a snake. I asked Him for bread and He didn’t give me a stone.
But you know what? He didn’t give me a fish or bread either (that is to say he didn’t give me what I asked for). He gave me something so much better. He gave me Himself! A treasure I would NOT trade in for all the world and it’s treasure! God gave Himself to me in a way I could not have otherwise had without the loss.
“On CHRIST the solid rock I stand! All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand!”
God was removing the sinking sand of my heart and fixing it more fully on the solid rock that does not change. Dear friends, will you trust Him?